My life has become a joke.
So, I've discussed that after what happened mid-November I've become a really different person and to be frank, it's been one of the oddest feelings in the world because I've never tried to kill a part of me so desparately.
I think the biggest piece of advice, or just statement, that I should be taking to heart was one that I was told a few months before the whole fiasco and it was about how time shouldn't rule your mind or life.
While I don't remember the exact conversation, it went along the basic lines that I was apologizing for not being able to do anything about a situation, and then my friend responding with how it doesnt matter, because in 5, 10, 50 years down the road: you'll never remember exactly what you couldn't do a long time ago, but you'll know what you can do then.
And while I know I've taken that quote extremely out of context, and even modified it now, the basic premise I took from it was that I focus too much on what I shouldn't, and focus too little time on what I should.
I've lived my 16 years of life saying that I don't have any regrets and that I am an adamant person with strong beliefs, but I always do wish that I was a better person towards those that I won't ever get the same time or situation to be around in.
You never truly know what the now is. You know what's happened in the past, how much has happened before the present, and what you plan to do in the future, but you never truly understand how much time you'll get with a person, or in a place, or in a time of your life.
I do regret the initial decision I made.
I apologize to myself because I lost that someone and that part and time of my life.
In my eyes, I always saw the now as something taking up my time, an obstacle, in the grand scheme of life. I was so busy trying to focus on a select few in my life who I believed would be mine forever, that I never took time to wonder what I could be doing.
That's my regret: not slowing down.
In those last few dire days or weeks, if I had slowed down and thought about everything that was going on around me and between that person, my life would be different.
When I was sitting there trying to cling on to everything, if I had slowed down, my life would be different.
I pride myself on being knowledgable not through textbooks and blatant facts: but by how I can connect with people and understand problems other than my own and how I can fix them. Now, looking back and seeing that I'm the person who needs help in the situation to gather his bearings makes everything feel weird.
I realize that I've spun myself into a valley of odd emotions where I know I'm not depressed, but I know that I can never move on purely because of my fear of "What could have happened".
What could have happened if I was supportive, what could have happened if I wasn't so adamant, what could have happened if for once I gave up my goal of being just and instead life continue around me?
As I sit here writing this, I'm not over anything. Not anything about what happened makes any sense to me, nor does the way everything spun out to be either.
The person that I spent my sophomore year and summer with is no more, and while I don't mean that literally, I do mean that to myself.
To me, a person has iterations throughout their life, but they're the most noticeable or effective when they're in a part of their life that they want to stay in forever. If I rewind the clock to exactly one year, I'd probably be one of the happiest people you'd ever met.
I had the loveliest parents, the loveliest friends, the loveliest more than that, and everything I could possibly want from the world. I wasn't worried about my grades or how I was doing in school because everything was just falling into place and that feeling of utter bliss continued until mid-November when I suddenly became too little.
I still cling on, because I know (and I hope) there's more to my life with the person and the people that I had, but that's because I spent over 14 months of my life in a state that I know I won't ever get to be in again unless it's with the right people. Everything I say or try to express on this topic makes me seem needy, and I guess that means that that's what I truly am. Life can go its way around me, but I'm stuck here spending every single day of my life wondering how it would be like if I was still there. While I know that that wouldn't be able to fix a majority of my own problems since then, it would surely eliminate the ones that cause me the most trouble; but most importantly: it would give me a purpose again.
When you commit to someone or something, regardless on how true or strong it is, it gives you a sense of worth and a straight-forward goal to achieve and while those goals are much more abstract and harder to put a value on, it ultimately serves as an actual bond between anything. I sound depressed and stuck on what happened and that's simply because I am. I can't go a day without believing that there's an alternate universe where we just hashed out the problem between ourselves and continued on. All I can hope is that life really takes a full circle eventually.
Feelings aren't hard to emulate, but people are.
This is becoming extremely personal way to fast but my bottom line for this is that focus on the time you're in and focus on the people you're with. No matter how much you believe that you're going to spend your life with one person or pursue a career or anything, you simply don't know until it happens.
I want to talk about the power of the promise quickly and eventually I'll write about how much that means to me, but personally: if you make a promise, it's a lock in the system. No one truly treasures the real promises, the ones that go beyond a few days or months and it hurts me because I seem to be the only one that doesn't want to break a promise that I made to someone on August 30, 2016.
I just really miss you. I'm sorry for everything that I've done but I'm the same person that shared all those memories with you. I'm the same person that went through hell and back for you and I will never ever get over you or it or anything because I know that there's more.